Monster Munch and the Crisps Thieves

Why must such a great snack be filed to the grumpy archive? Well, putting insultingly small portions into disproportionately large bags is always a good bet.

This morning I opened up a bag of Roast Beef Monster Munch to discover just six and a half Monster Munch pieces. Yes, six and a half.... Flabbergasting.

There was only one thing for it: a good old, traditional complaint letter. A complaint letter in a previous blog post, Harvester, was my first ever complaint letter. Such measures are measures of emergency. And this situation is such a scenario.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my disappointment and shock at the minimal quantities now evidently served in your Monster Munch multipack bags.

As a fan of Monster Munch, after recently purchasing a variety multipack, I was eagerly looking forward to tucking into a bag of the Roast Beef variety. I prepared a sandwich and poured the contents of this Roast Beef Monster Munch pack onto a small plate. To my horror, out came a mere six and a half Monster Munch pieces.

I have not enclosed the packet, nor have I enclosed the contents. My presumption is that there are quality control measures in place to ensure consistency in quantities provided. Indeed, having opened up another pack from the same batch, a similar quantity was provided.

I seek clarification on this matter and I seek an explanation for this ludicrously low quantity. My understanding – certainly based on branding – is that your target market is children (although I am sure you will appreciate that many adults enjoy these crisps). However, I am convinced that a small growing child would be as shocked and horrified as I am over these small quantities.

Relating to Monster Munch as a brand, my impression of a monster would be a beast that consumes substantial quantities of these snacks, not a monster on a diet. Thus, I struggle to see the convergence between the ‘monster’ brand and your serving quantities.

Having consumed Monster Munch for the most part of my life, I am now at a crossroads. Do I simply purchase multipacks of these crisps and double up every time I fancy some crisps? Or do I declare this purchase my last Monster Munch purchase? I am saddened to state that I am unfortunately swaying towards the latter.

I look forward to your correspondence in the near future.

Yours faithfully,

A formerly avid Monster Munch eater

We must stop these crisps providers before it is too late. Soon you will open your Walker's Cheese and Onion pack to find three crisps. They will entice you in..... "Only 12 calories" they'll say, "New recipe, same great taste."

These are the tyrants that we should be raising awareness of through cleverly crafted/fraudulent viral videos. The world must stand as one, united against the crisps thieves.

The Mathematics Skills of a Lazy Nation

It emerged yesterday from the research of National Numeracy, a think-tank/charity, that 17 million adults in the UK – that’s some 49 percent of the adult nation – have the numeracy skills of an 11 year-old or worse. 23.7 percent of adults were shown to have the numeracy skills of a seven year-old child. How has it got so bad?

"Why do they make tax returns so hard bruv?"

Go to the supermarket, walk down your street, go to school, go to work, go to the park, go to the pub, go to the theatre, go anywhere..... And you will stumble across Tom, Dick and Harry.

Tom, Dick and Harry are what we call stupid human beings. And you needn’t give them a few numeracy questions. The voice, and even the face, give instant recognition and confirmation of this stupidity.

But how is this 49 percent statistic possible? Are Tom, Dick and Harry that prevalent in society?
Well put simply, yes. ‘But how?’ you might wonder.... Well, laziness.

We typically look for excuses for such statistics. Blame the government, blame our parents, blame capitalism, blame Dorothy from next-door, blame her Majesty the Queen, blame criminals, blame Eastenders, blame Tesco, blame McDonalds, blame society, blame the police, blame footballers, blame anyone and everyone.... But never, ever, blame ourselves.

Yes, the demise of our education system is to blame, of course. But have we no initiative? Do parents have no inclination to bring up a successful child? Do families no longer bother with passing on knowledge to the next generation? It is laziness that is the most profound cause for such a frightening statistic. And it is laziness that will simply result in the benchmarks becoming lower and lower.

This needs to be put into perspective somewhat. Let me provide an example question at 11 year-old level:   
                             
Which of the following is the heaviest weight?

(a) 1.67 kg
(b) 1.607 kg
(c) 1.067 kg
(d) 1.60 kg

A real toughie. I read the question first and I wondered whether they might want the 11 year-old to convert imperial to metric. Nope. The weights are simply listed in kilograms. If an adult cannot answer this question correctly, without any learning disability, then they should be shot on sight.

But there is a bigger issue here... This is not 11 year-old numeracy. This is not even numeracy. Children need to be pushed to fulfil their potential. The adults are a lost cause. But schools, parents and indeed children cannot afford to fail again.

Unfortunately, they probably will fail. UK culture has evolved, perhaps irrecoverably, into a ‘can’t do, won’t do’ mental state, which is taking generation after generation into its clutches.

This is perhaps better summarised by the chief executive of National Numeracy, Mike Ellicock: “It is often a boast or badge of honour, and that’s across the whole of the social spectrum.”

Indeed it is. Sadly, failure has become, dare I say it, a simpler and less effort-intensive aspiration. If things are going to change, it's going to take time.

Oh yes, another Reality TV show!

Filed to the grumpy archive by John James, England:

As members of Modern British society we have all fallen victim to the endless torrent of reality TV shows that somehow manage to secure funding. The worst of which include the utter atrocities that are: “The Only Way is Essex”, “Made in Chelsea” and “Desperate Scousewives”. These shows have spawned such abominations of the English language as “Well Jel” and “Reem”... I dread to think of the type of person who not only watches these programmes, but appreciates them.

I believe, however, that the worst of the worst has only recently emerged...

“Playing it Straight” is a new gaydar testing show within which a group of males battle against one another to secure the selection of one girl with whom they will split £50,000. The catch is that if the girl chooses a gay man, he walks away with everything. Hence, this is no longer a dating programme with a twist, but a cash grab.

In essence, the only reason this programme exists is because it allows us to test out our own metaphorical gaydar at home (I admit that I found this entertaining for the first half an hour of watching the programme), but the novelty wears off inevitably.

As mentioned in an earlier grumpy archive post, the beast that never fails to die, the King of Reality TV, Big Brother, simply will not disappear, because that’s all reality TV is, novelty value; a situation that simply hasn’t been envisioned before or something that we’d like to be part of. Whether it is an experiment, like Big Brother, based on an idea from the classic “1984”, which shamelessly morphed into a Z-lister celebrity generator, or a reality soap like “The Only Way is Essex”, where spoilt rich chavs are followed by cameras, slaking the lust of the common man or woman of fame and fortune....

Unfortunately, I too have been taken in by this poor excuse for television. “Tool Academy” appealed to me, probably in much the same way as aforementioned programmes appeal to others. The key difference was that these ‘men’ and their girlfriends were often humiliated for our viewing pleasure before they even got a sniff of cash.

I as much as any modern person wish for reality TV to have a quick death. Unfortunately for us, it seems like it will only depart from our televisions slowly and with somewhat painful viewing, as there is always some idiot with another ‘great’ idea in the media industry. We can only hope those ideas aren’t more reality TV.

Reality TV is filed to the grumpy archive.

The Weather Scaremongers

“Severe weather warnings this weekend with two inches of snow forecasted. Wrap up warm.”.... “Stay inside your homes until 40 mph winds subside.”.... “Sandbag your doors. Rainfall is forecasted for two hours of this evening.”.... “Humid conditions throughout the day. Make sure you take on plenty of water.”

The weather forecasters....

Oh don’t they graciously patronise their viewers and woefully exaggerate weather ‘crises’. “Wrap up warm!” they say. “Make sure you take an umbrella out with you.”

Well I say piss off.... Just piss off....

Deliver the forecasts and do no more. Don’t entertain me. Don’t advise me. You are not a game show host, nor are you a personal advisor. You are the sodding weather forecaster.

Are we, as a society, incapable of making independent decisions regarding wearing a coat, or drinking water, or leaving the house? Have we really become this dependent on the media? Are we incapable of interpreting the forecasts? Must we be wrapped up in bundles of cotton wool and spoon-fed like babies?

Rain or shine, you'll be patronised (Source: bbc.co.uk).

“Darling, don’t go out without a jacket. The weather forecaster said you might need one.”

“But it doesn’t seem that cold out here.”

“Well I think the weather man knows what he’s doing.”

Yes, it seems rather bemusing to me. If one can step outside of their house and look up, or indeed feel the temperature outside, then why must we be patronised?

But we must ask.... Is it helpful to get this advice? The simple answer is no, it is not. I am saddened to announce that the weather forecaster doesn’t know how cold it is outside your door. In fact, they are simply reading their condescending and patronising advice directly off a teleprompter.   

In recent years, mainstream television channels have attempted to silence the sceptics of this spoon feeding. Beautiful young women now provide us with our weather forecasts and life advice. This was a no-brainer tactic. If a beautiful woman tells a man to wear his jacket, I would suggest the chances of him doing so are significantly higher than those induced by a patronising old man.

But this is beside the point. Maybe I want to make the mistake for myself. Maybe I want to get rained on. And who knows.... Maybe I will catch a cold. But I will have caught that cold in the purest way possible: independently.    

That said, I suppose the weather forecasters are just trying to make things easier for us viewers. One less thing to think about in our hectic days. Get real. If a human being really has to ‘think’ about wearing a coat in any depth, then they are, for all intents and purposes, a very disturbed individual or an individual that requires vast care.

Weather forecasters are filed to the grumpy archive.

A Beginner Lesson in Pigeon English

Slowly and surely the English language is evolving irrecoverably into a state of Pigeon English.

If you are not already familiarised with Pigeon English, it is important to now begin your first steps. Here I present an opportunity to do so, with a beginner lesson in Pigeon English. I should stress that this will be the beginning of a long road for any first time Pigeon English speakers.

Not many speak advanced Pigeon English yet, as it usually requires a childhood of extensive and solid parental guidance and an adulthood of solid medicinal guidance. Just remember to relax... Relaxation, or indeed laziness, forms the foundations of this language.

And so we will begin our lesson, through words and phrases familiarisation.

1)      “That’s well good innit?”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “That’s very good isn’t it?”

2)      “Those beats are sick. Safe bruv. That’s sound.”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “The beats in that particular song were very technically proficient. Thank you my friend. That was thoroughly enjoyable.”

3)      “Yeah blud. It’s bare good.”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “Yes my comrade. It is very good indeed.”

4)      “So I was like ‘what you doing with dat bat Shannon?’ You’s are gonna get yourself locked up by the pigs.”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “So I stated, perhaps with a hint of anxiety, ‘What are you doing with that baseball bat Shannon?’ You will increase your chances of arrest by the local police force.”

5)      “So I done my best. But you know what they say, ‘It’s like being part of it that means da most’ innit.”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “So I did my best. Recall that beautiful old adage, ‘It’s the taking part that counts’.”

6)      “Dean has fucking done a runner. He’s gone and copped off with some bird he said was lush.”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “Dean has rescinded his interest in the relationship. He has decided to engage in activities of a sexual nature with a lady friend whom he had previously stated was attractive.”

7)      “I wanna, like, get fucked up tonight. It’s like I’m twelve again when I’m thirty. Jokes.”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “Strangely enough, I feel inclined to become inebriated this evening. I feel as though I am rekindling my delightful childhood years. I find that quite hysterical.”

8)      Drugs are a fucking bitch bruv. You wanna keep away from the baduns. Junk and candy’s alright though.”

Translation from Pigeon English to English: “Drugs are extremely harmful my friend. As a suggested course of action I would advise you to avoid Class A drugs. However, I hear heroin and crack will suffice in fulfilling your every need.”

So we have unfortunately reached the end of today’s lesson. Here are some of the key concepts that you should apply when speaking Pigeon English:

·         Use the word ‘like’ for greater emphasis in sentences. Pigeon English speakers will be more willing and understanding as a result.

·         Try to use obscenities regularly in conversation. This tends to promote greater emotive understanding.

·         Use short words. As a rule of thumb, do not exceed seven letter words.

·         Be sure to show ape-like body language.

As stated at the beginning of this post, approach this transition with patience and confidence.

There will be plenty of other Pigeon English speakers around you to provide you with the guidance you might need.

Best of luck!